INTIMACY & RELATIONSHIP COLUMN UNDERSTANDING DATING BODY LANGUAGE.
SENDING SUBTLE SIGNALS: HOW TO SPEAK WITH YOUR BODY.
You're at a meeting when you turn to the man seated next to you. All you want to do is to
borrow a pen. You don't notice anything in particular about him until he turns to face you, and
within a fraction of a second your eyes have started making computations. His hair color and length,
his facial structure, skin color and tone, his eyes. You stop at the eyes for a moment. The pupils are
dilated. He looks directly at you. Then your eyes drop to his mouth. He smiles. Now what?
The mate selection process is something that operates at an instinctual, unconscious level. But if
that's true, then why is it that we sometimes have such difficulty in attracting the attention of a
man who interests us? Often we have stifled the natural body cues, which let someone know we are
approachable and interested.
Fortunately, you can relearn those things that you unlearned somewhere along the way, and you can
consciously change your body language to subtly invite attention.
Body language operates out of the right hemisphere where all the more basic instincts are located.
First impressions are, of course, the most significant. They are among our basic survival instincts.
We form most first impressions in the first 90 seconds of an interaction. In American culture we decide
whether or not we like someone in the first 10 seconds of an interaction. Ten to 90 seconds is not
much time. We are not exchanging a lot of words; we are exchanging a lot of nonverbal
communication. We can exchange up to ten thousand nonverbal cues is less than one minute of
interaction.
Obviously there is no way you can possibly process ten thousand cues at the conscious level.
Instead, you process most body language cues at the subconscious level. In attracting the right love,
you need to bring some of that subconscious knowledge up to your conscious control.
When you think of attraction and flirtation, think like a caveman. Like our cave man ancestors, we
are afraid of strangers. So we form first impressions quickly to decide whether or not it is safe to
approach. How do you get a someone who doesn't know you to feel comfortable coming over to
talk in a public setting or to start a conversation with you at a dinner party? How do you get him to
pick you out of the group? How do you tell someone things about you without words? Let your
body do the talking.
First, to make yourself more approachable, you can give off "harmlessness" cues. Basically, you
want to make yourself appear safe. Men are not usually going to go towards a dangerous target.
(Forget about "Sex in the City" antics.)
This may not be easy for you. Some of us have gotten so good at being independent, self sufficient
and sassy that we forget that we might scare off men in a first encounter. Remember, you do have
that soft vulnerable part of you that you have been so good at protecting. Guess what? A guy needs
to see it to feel safe to approach you.
You might be thinking that you need to be natural. Actually these are very natural movements.
It's the bravado you use to cover up your true self that tends to scare men away. So how can
you hold and move your body to say, "I'm safe. I'm not going to bite"?
Here are some tips toward body language fluency:
* Don't take up too much space. Taking up a lot of space communicates that you are powerful and
superior. Okay, we want to show that we are strong women, but remember we are trying to get a
man to come over and talk to us. You have to show you have room for someone else in your life.
* Stand slightly pigeon-toed. Men usually stand with the toes 6 to 10 inches apart. Toes pointed
inward or outward actually show your status in the hierarchy. Toes outward say "I'm mighty." Toes
pointed inward say "I'm approachable." Standing with your feet far apart with the toes out makes
you look strong and actually signals that you could attack. Obviously, you don't want to look
like you're about to attack. Women usually stand with their feet 4 to 6 inches apart. To be very
approachable stand with your feet no father apart than six inches apart and point your toes slightly
inward. But don't put them in so far that you look like a dork.
Pay attention to your walk. If you take a close look at the way you walk in shoes, you may
find that some of your shoes make you walk duck-footed with your toes going outward. Toss
the shoes. Walking with the toes pointed outward is a "hands-off" signal. It is a walk often
predicated by weight and pregnancy. Of course, pregnant women can be attractive, but
single men rarely approach pregnant women and ask them out for drinks. Walk with your
legs and feet close together. This posture combined with small steps sends a "I am women"
signal. You may think that men a love women in a short tight skirts because it show s off our
legs. The other reasons they love us in tight skirts is because they show off our feminine and it
makes us walk like a women. The goal is to be feminine not loose. The cavemen wants an
appealing women not a loose women. If you signal your too available you will draw in a
conqueror that scores and leaves not a man looking for a mate.
* Smile. Okay, it's obvious, but when we're tense we don't give a full open smile
and when we are trying to look cool like a Carmen Electra model, we don't smile. The smile is
an international signal of friendliness. It's hard to have a sincere smile when you aren't happy.
That's why the sneer on Jack Nicholson's face as he comes after the little boy with the
knife in The Shining is so haunting. It's not normal. A smile means safety not danger. Have
you ever had some guy ask you why you aren't smiling? That's because they know if a
woman isn't smiling, there could be trouble. They feel more comfortable to approach you when you
are smiling. A smile means I am open and available for conversation. Think of it as the green light of
approachable cues.
* Shrug. When turtles sense danger, they tuck their heads all the way in to retreat. We pull our
shoulders up towards are ears to protect our heads when we are startled. We shrug to show, "Hey
it's not my fault," to say, "I don't know," or to say, "Whatever you want." The shrug tells others
that you are submissive. I have seen some women who are masters of the shoulder shrug. They
make it look like a sensual feline move. Right now slowly roll your shoulders up and throw in a
subtle head toss.
* Head tilt. The head tilt is not a uniquely feminine move, but it's certainly done more by
women perhaps because it is a signal that the head tilter is listening intently. A head tilt symbolically
shows the baring of the neck to a superior. It mimics a head movement done by wolves to the
leader of the pack, that says "I'm exposing my most vulnerable spot to you to show you I
know you can rip me to pieces. So let's not fight about it." Men tend to talk in what is called
"boasting " fashion in the gender difference research when they are flirting. They will talk a lot about
what they have done and what they can do. In those initial conversations (or monologues) tilt your
head to show you are listening. And by the way, boasting behavior is not an indication of whether a
man will listen to you. So don't think, hey, if he doesn't listen now, forget about him. If
he's not listening now, it's only an indication that he wants your approval.
* Unfold your arms. This opens up your body windows. When I am introduced as an expert on
body language people almost always respond by folding their arms in front of their bodies. Body
language is symbolic. It often physically represents what we are feeling internally, but that
doesn't mean it's always easy to read. Although there are over 60 different interpretations
of arm crossing, arms usually form a protective wall around us. It's pretty obvious that to get a
man to approach you, you have to let down the wall. You don't have to stand with your arms stiffly
at your sides the minute you walk into a party. Some people feel more comfortable with a relaxed
arm cross when they first get in any group setting. Even if you do keep your arms crossed at first,
eventually you need to open up. You can have a beverage in your hand, and holding it will give you
some security if you need that to uncross or if you're sitting at a coffeehouse, you can put your
hands out in front you on the table as you read a paper.
*Cross your legs. There are windows all over your body: your eyes, your neck, your heart, the
palm of the hands, your knees and the bottoms of your feet. You want to keep your windows
open enough to look accessible, but not too open. For example, there is a window at your
kneecaps. Our mothers taught us to cross our legs and keep that window closed at all times.
If you're sitting you can cross your legs but not too tight and cross them with the top leg
pointing toward the person you want who interests you. If you touch your thing or rest your
palm on your thigh it sends the signal, "I am a touchable women."
The following are luring cues. Once you have signaled you are safe to approach you show cues to
lure the man in.
*Twirl Your Foot. With your legs crossed dangle a shoe, preferably a sexy shoe, off your heal. The
shoe is live bait. Twirl the foot and the man will approach with his mouth open. Ok ,so that may be
stretching it a bit, but it is a strong lure.
* Make Eye Contact. There is another window at the eyes. You want to make eye contact, but if
you extend that eye contact for longer that three seconds the man will think, "She wants me now."
And he won't think that's for meaningful conversation. In fact, too much staring and the
man feels your aggression instead of your attraction. Men may want confident women but not
women who look like she wants to challenge him to some arm wrestling. Use open window eye
contact that is an invitation rather than the stare down. To offer a subtle invitation, look at the man
you are interested in, then look down, tilt your head to the side, then up and make eye contact
again. I have seen women use this like the movement of a bass fishing pole to lure men.
*Use the hands. There is a window at the palms of the hands. You commonly expose this part
of your body to show honesty and a willingness to self disclose. That's why you use it to
reach out and shake hands with a stranger. You can subtly open that window by brushing
your hair away from your face with the palm of the hand exposed or resting your chin on the
tops of the fingers of one hand with the palm facing outward. You can Twirl your wrists
slowly with the palm outward as you talk to your friends or shrug you shoulders and turn your
palms hands up. If your back is turned toward the man you want you can rest your hands
behind your back either gently clasped with the palms out or resting on the hips, with the
elbows in and the palms turned upward or out towards him.
*Use your mouth. Caution! Only use these cues when you are not looking at a man, other wise
you may signal that you are wanton women. You can hold the edge of a cup or glass in your
mouth. You can lick the salt off a Margarita. You can run your tongue over you upper lip, as
if it is dry and needs moistening. You can gently bite your lower lip. You can even, if your
really daring, slowly apply your lipstick. You can nibble once on the side of your knuckle.
You can chew breifly on the end of a pencil but don't chew gum, ice or your fingernails, that
indicates anxiety and frustration, neither very attractive emotions.
* Single yourself out. The last cue is seemingly obvious, but I see women forget about it all the time.
Stand or sit by yourself. If you were a caveman looking for dinner, would you want to approach a
herd of bison or a single bison. It's okay to drive some place with your "sex in the city" gang of
girlfriends, but don't bunch together. A man risks not only rejection by you if he comes over to
talk you but humiliation in front of all those other women.
Patti Wood, MA, CSP
Speeches, Workshops, and Personal Coaching
Programs include: Body Language, Teambuilding, Public Speaking,
Customer Service and How to Deal with Difficult People.
(404) 371-8228 http://www.pattiwood.net
