· E-mail: singlecentral@hotmail.com
· E-mail: singlecentral@hotmail.com | |
by Dr. David Sanford
Disputes in many marriages and couple relationships tend to be really unsatisfying events - not because partners yell at each other but because no resolution comes from all that output of energy. Nothing gets settled: It was all a waste of time. Why?
Resolution takes one person listening when the other is speaking. It also takes two people sufficiently temperate to be interested in resolution and in control enough to pursue it.
In most disputes there aren't two people available for anything like resolution. One person is attacking, or so it seems, and the other person is busy protecting herself or himself. What do people do when they feel under attack? Here are some possibilities:
* They go into hiding. This means, (Go into your cave. Roll a boulder across the entrance. Sit inside, not saying a word. Wait for the storm to pass. Then come out.)
* They get their spear and shield and go on the attack themselves. The dispute quickly becomes attack, counterattack, countercounterattack - a noisy blur, convenient in the sense that each can "justifiably" blame the other.
* They immediately go to a "you're right, I'm guilty" place. Surrender. Assume complete blame. "It's all my fault. I apologize." Such people hate argument and are willing to falsely acknowledge a responsibility that isn't theirs if doing so stops the fight.
The difficulty with all of these "defend myself" stratagems is that they fail completely if what is needed is for each partner to hear the other out, then work together for a resolution that is genuinely acceptable to both. Takes time, but so does fighting that settles nothing.
